Reason Why

"You'll never know if you never try"

Yeah, you know how people always say that? "You'll never know unless you try"? Well I've never been in love, unlike other normal teenagers. I've never known what it feels like. And people told me to try.

But hell, I found it hard to trust anything, and it's harder to trust love. I've seen my friends falling in love, and getting hurt at the end. Crying their eyes out when it all ends. I just, I don't want to be like that. I don't want to spend my tears over some stupid relationship. I don't want to be happy only in the beginning, then in the end pain would be all I feel. And I don't know, it just gave me idea that love will just hurt me. That it's impossible to stay in love with one person, and then it'd all end with either I leave him or he leaves me.

It made me cringe. It gave me idea that love will never last so long. It'll just end in pain.

But I've seen many old couples too. Like my grandparents for example. Death, did them apart. But my grandma still loves him though, up until today. One day, when I was visiting a doctor, I saw an old couple. The husband sat on a wheelchair, wearing thick sweater and scarf, obviously cold. His wife only rubbed his hand and stared at him lovingly, giving him courage that everything would be just fine. That they would still have time together. And when he coughed, she rubbed his back and whispered something that made him smile.

It made me smile. It gave me hope that love can indeed last that long. It changed my mind.

For a while.

Sometimes I think that I've been protecting myself for far too long. I find myself sometimes wondering what it feels like to be in love. But then the scared part of me reminds me again why it's better this way. Why it's better to protect myself, to keep myself away from a pain that might greet me.

Call me a coward for being afraid of love. Call me chicken for being afraid of getting hurt. Call me anything you like.

I'll try to open up my heart when I'm ready. I'll try to love someone when I'm ready. When I'm ready to be happy then crushed at the end, and when I'm ready to feel a love that lasts forever.