I'm back?

So yeah, it's been like forever since the last time I actually wrote something. The last time I posted was like, a few months back? And it was about me relapsing so it wasn't really counted as a poem or something. I noticed the last time I posted a poem was more than a year ago.

And that, somehow, made me sad.

I didn't really stop writing, I posted short stuff on my path or line account every once in a while, or just scratched  something on my textbooks. But they were never a long one. I tried but it turned into something I despised once I reread it, so I guess I just kind of stopped writing long poems.

But I hope I can get back on track soon.

So, so much has changed in a couple of years. So much happened in 2 years. Friggin' avalanche of problem happened in family, family got torn, heart had fallen disgustingly in love, the fallen heart got broken, mind was screwed, mental was disturbed, self harmed myself, wanted to die, depressed beyond belief, family reunited again, family problems solved (kind of), depression healed (hopefully no relapse again), the broken heart slowly mended itself (like, really REALLY slow I swear), I graduated from high school, I moved out from home (I HAVE TO LIVE ALONE NOW??!!??), met new friends and new people, looked at my scars and thought 'whoa I was a fucking trainwreck', well maybe I still am but somehow I can manage it so far.

And for that I am forever grateful for God, my family, and my close friends.

I'm not gonna write my bloody autobiography on my blog I swear if I did I'd make a series, not a post. So the point is, in my 19 years of breathing, I've been trough hell. I've seen my darkest hours. I've suffered something that no one ever deserves to suffer. But I made it out alive, I made it out with scars and wounds and some of them still bleed but I am alive, and stronger and more grateful than I was before. I'm still mentally screwed but I'm far much better than I was.

I didn't know what will happen later in life, like, maybe I'll see darker times than I've seen before. But if I could survived the last one, I hope I will be more prepared for next ones (which, hopefully, will never have to come for a visit)

There are some of you who have experienced something like I did and survived. Cherish yourselves for you are warriors of life.
There are some of you who are still suffering, still thinking that you're not worth it, that you don't deserve anything, that you'd be better off dead. Who are feeling like you can't get through your situation, feeling the worst feeling ever; numbness. If you ever come across this post of mine, remember that you can make it. Hold on tighter, be closer to God. Believe that you're stronger than your problems. Remember that it will always get better. Maybe it'll take some times for it to get better,maybe it'll take longer than 2 years but trust me, it will. I, honestly, am still fighting hard my mental illness. I know relapse is ready to attack at any time. But I'm trying, you should too.

It's not easy but, it is never easy. Sometimes the thought of being dead seems like a better solution but it is really not. If you ever feel like you should kill yourself, don't. Suicide is an answer but it is never a solution. I know it is damned hard, but if I can do it, than you can too. If I can survive than you can too. Remember that God is always close to you, you only have to reach out further to God because you are the one who is rarely close to God.

So for you, whoever you are; you, who is fighting for life; you, who has suicidal thought; you, who is fighting mental illness; you, who is in recovery or in relapse; you, who is facing a hard problem; you, who is self harming yourself tonight; you, who stumbled upon this post, I know you can get through this. I know you can make it. I believe in you, and you should believe in yourself too. It will be worth it at the end. Trust me someday your scars will be proof of how strong you really are, how you survive everything, you'll be able to look back, look down at your scars, and think "I made it."

Love,

Me.