I Guess

Life is such funny prankster sometimes, don't you think?
"I'ts not funny, it's sick' kind of funny prankster
Do you even know what I'm saying right now?
Because I don't even understand it myself
I'm all by myself in this room
Trying desperately to rearrange the jumbled words in my head
Right now I'm just typing,
letting the words flow
And I know sometimes the words in my brain don't make sense

I guess that's just how my brain works sometimes

Do you ever feel like you want to do something
Like, you want to change,
or actually start doing something good
And for the first time,
life shows you the way?
The right way, the right path, the right direction
With the right signs, the right arrows,
and just exactly the right amount of light for you to stare what's ahead you
And you're filled with glee, with excitement
And you think, "Oh I'm so going to do this."

And you do
Or at least you try
And then you try to walk on that way life has shown you
Following the right directions
Choosing the right path
Carefully watching for another sign
Obeying arrow by arrow
Never once look back and think, "Why the hell am I doing this?"
Because it's working, it's perfectly working out the way you've always wanted
Because the lights allow you to see what's in front of you
And what lays there is just exactly what you want

You stretch your arms, long enough to feel it with the tips of your fingers
You get excited as much as you get nervous
So you start running towards it
And as you're just a step away
Suddenly the lights go out
and you're surrounded by darkness
You can even feel the path changes direction
You scream, "What is going on? It's there! It's damn near!"
And it is,
that's why life changes your path
And you're left there, lost in the darkness, not knowing what to do
Because the arrows already left
The signs were already gone
The path already changed direction
The lights already ran out of power
And you bitterly think, "Wow, what a great joke you played on me, life. Well played."
And you feel like life answers you,
"I know, I'm a funny prankster."
And the darkness around you echoes its laughter

I feel like that sometimes
When I feel like I've been doing good but then it all fails
When I think I've been walking but then I fall
When I've been feeling good but then what seems like the worst feeling comes
But that's just how life is sometimes
That's just how I am sometimes
Well, I guess

"Kind of My Story"

One day, after I randomly wrote a pick up line on the whiteboard in my class,
a friend of mine gave me a piece of white paper and a blue pen with blue ink
He asked me to write down the pick up line on that paper
I laughed, and of course, told him to write it himself,
but he insisted
So I looked at him funnily and wrote it down
We ended up playing a bit with the pen's cap
Like little 5 year old kids on a playground

After he pocketed the pen's cap,
our little silly game was done,
and he asked me to write him a poem
Still holding the paper and the pen,
I asked him what he wanted it about
He told me he wanted it about loving someone whom you couldn't have from afar.
I nodded, thinking of what to write and I noticed that he was silent
I looked up at him, and he said, "It's kind of my story."
So I told him to go ahead tell me his story

And then he started telling me how he was in love with a girl he couldn't have
How he only got to adore her from afar
I started scribbling words on the crumpled paper he gave me
But it just wasn't enough, I needed to know more to write more
So I set down the pen and asked him to tell me his whole story
He did

He told me he was in love with a girl but he couldn't have her because he was already in a relationship
I told him about a quote from Johnny Depp I heard many years ago
'If you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second.'
And he said it was right. He said I was right.
Confused, I asked him, "So why don't you do it?"
He answered me with, "My best friend is in love with her too."
I went silent
He continued, "Maybe you've read it somewhere about how 'if you love someone that doesn't mean you have to be with them, you have to let them be happy with someone else' right? But this, if that someone, even if it's your bestfriend, can't make them happy, you're just gonna regret it."
He was right. I never thought of it, but he was right.

We were silent for a moment
Then I said that he should break up with his girlfriend because he was hurting her without her even knowing
But he said, "If I broke up with her, that'd mean I gave this other girl a hope. A hope that would only be seen as a false hope when it really wasn't"
Well damn, I thought, he had thought about this all.

I didn't know what to say
So I just grabbed the pen and the crumpled paper,
and murmured, "I don't think I can finish this poem today."
He gave a lazy smile and folded the crumpled paper into two,
and said, "I didn't expect you to finish this today."
He took the blue pen from my hand and stupidly asked me where the cap was
I gave a short laugh and told him he had pocketed it
He laughed too,
and it was laughter between us again
We parted ways then

On my way home I thought about our conversation,
and some things crossed my mind
Why didn't I convince him to break up with his girlfriend?
After all, it's better to hurt one person than two
Why didn't I convince him to tell that girl he loved her?
After all, it's better to take a chance than to live in regret
'Best friends are more important' people say
But, if your best friend can't make the one you love happy,
why don't just try it yourself?
I could've told him to tell her that he loved her,
and the reasons why he couldn't be with her
So why didn't I?
After all, sometimes we've got to take a risk to finally stop ourselves from hurting too much
I frowned
Why didn't I tell him those things?
Why did I act all 'do what you want to do, I want the best for you'?
After all, what we want to do isn't always exactly the best for us

I still hope he'll get that one girl he actually loves

Love indeed is like a comedian with a twisted sense of humor

And you're just that one audience who knows nothing of what's going on

So you just sit and watch

And pretend like you're following the jokes

When inside, you ask yourself, 

"What the hell  is so funny? Why is everyone laughing?"

But you're already in the building

And the exit door is just too far away

And you already feel tired anyway

Because your mind keeps trying to understand the joke

So you stay, even though you understand nothing

But I believe, if you stay,

If you just stay in that building

Someone will come up to you smiling,

and explain you the joke you don't understand

And when you finally understand,

you will laugh with that someone at the joke you've been questioning

And maybe you two will talk about other things besides the joke

"Well, it's kind of my story."