I Guess

Life is such funny prankster sometimes, don't you think?
"I'ts not funny, it's sick' kind of funny prankster
Do you even know what I'm saying right now?
Because I don't even understand it myself
I'm all by myself in this room
Trying desperately to rearrange the jumbled words in my head
Right now I'm just typing,
letting the words flow
And I know sometimes the words in my brain don't make sense

I guess that's just how my brain works sometimes

Do you ever feel like you want to do something
Like, you want to change,
or actually start doing something good
And for the first time,
life shows you the way?
The right way, the right path, the right direction
With the right signs, the right arrows,
and just exactly the right amount of light for you to stare what's ahead you
And you're filled with glee, with excitement
And you think, "Oh I'm so going to do this."

And you do
Or at least you try
And then you try to walk on that way life has shown you
Following the right directions
Choosing the right path
Carefully watching for another sign
Obeying arrow by arrow
Never once look back and think, "Why the hell am I doing this?"
Because it's working, it's perfectly working out the way you've always wanted
Because the lights allow you to see what's in front of you
And what lays there is just exactly what you want

You stretch your arms, long enough to feel it with the tips of your fingers
You get excited as much as you get nervous
So you start running towards it
And as you're just a step away
Suddenly the lights go out
and you're surrounded by darkness
You can even feel the path changes direction
You scream, "What is going on? It's there! It's damn near!"
And it is,
that's why life changes your path
And you're left there, lost in the darkness, not knowing what to do
Because the arrows already left
The signs were already gone
The path already changed direction
The lights already ran out of power
And you bitterly think, "Wow, what a great joke you played on me, life. Well played."
And you feel like life answers you,
"I know, I'm a funny prankster."
And the darkness around you echoes its laughter

I feel like that sometimes
When I feel like I've been doing good but then it all fails
When I think I've been walking but then I fall
When I've been feeling good but then what seems like the worst feeling comes
But that's just how life is sometimes
That's just how I am sometimes
Well, I guess

"Kind of My Story"

One day, after I randomly wrote a pick up line on the whiteboard in my class,
a friend of mine gave me a piece of white paper and a blue pen with blue ink
He asked me to write down the pick up line on that paper
I laughed, and of course, told him to write it himself,
but he insisted
So I looked at him funnily and wrote it down
We ended up playing a bit with the pen's cap
Like little 5 year old kids on a playground

After he pocketed the pen's cap,
our little silly game was done,
and he asked me to write him a poem
Still holding the paper and the pen,
I asked him what he wanted it about
He told me he wanted it about loving someone whom you couldn't have from afar.
I nodded, thinking of what to write and I noticed that he was silent
I looked up at him, and he said, "It's kind of my story."
So I told him to go ahead tell me his story

And then he started telling me how he was in love with a girl he couldn't have
How he only got to adore her from afar
I started scribbling words on the crumpled paper he gave me
But it just wasn't enough, I needed to know more to write more
So I set down the pen and asked him to tell me his whole story
He did

He told me he was in love with a girl but he couldn't have her because he was already in a relationship
I told him about a quote from Johnny Depp I heard many years ago
'If you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second.'
And he said it was right. He said I was right.
Confused, I asked him, "So why don't you do it?"
He answered me with, "My best friend is in love with her too."
I went silent
He continued, "Maybe you've read it somewhere about how 'if you love someone that doesn't mean you have to be with them, you have to let them be happy with someone else' right? But this, if that someone, even if it's your bestfriend, can't make them happy, you're just gonna regret it."
He was right. I never thought of it, but he was right.

We were silent for a moment
Then I said that he should break up with his girlfriend because he was hurting her without her even knowing
But he said, "If I broke up with her, that'd mean I gave this other girl a hope. A hope that would only be seen as a false hope when it really wasn't"
Well damn, I thought, he had thought about this all.

I didn't know what to say
So I just grabbed the pen and the crumpled paper,
and murmured, "I don't think I can finish this poem today."
He gave a lazy smile and folded the crumpled paper into two,
and said, "I didn't expect you to finish this today."
He took the blue pen from my hand and stupidly asked me where the cap was
I gave a short laugh and told him he had pocketed it
He laughed too,
and it was laughter between us again
We parted ways then

On my way home I thought about our conversation,
and some things crossed my mind
Why didn't I convince him to break up with his girlfriend?
After all, it's better to hurt one person than two
Why didn't I convince him to tell that girl he loved her?
After all, it's better to take a chance than to live in regret
'Best friends are more important' people say
But, if your best friend can't make the one you love happy,
why don't just try it yourself?
I could've told him to tell her that he loved her,
and the reasons why he couldn't be with her
So why didn't I?
After all, sometimes we've got to take a risk to finally stop ourselves from hurting too much
I frowned
Why didn't I tell him those things?
Why did I act all 'do what you want to do, I want the best for you'?
After all, what we want to do isn't always exactly the best for us

I still hope he'll get that one girl he actually loves

Love indeed is like a comedian with a twisted sense of humor

And you're just that one audience who knows nothing of what's going on

So you just sit and watch

And pretend like you're following the jokes

When inside, you ask yourself, 

"What the hell  is so funny? Why is everyone laughing?"

But you're already in the building

And the exit door is just too far away

And you already feel tired anyway

Because your mind keeps trying to understand the joke

So you stay, even though you understand nothing

But I believe, if you stay,

If you just stay in that building

Someone will come up to you smiling,

and explain you the joke you don't understand

And when you finally understand,

you will laugh with that someone at the joke you've been questioning

And maybe you two will talk about other things besides the joke

"Well, it's kind of my story."

Idk what to call this. But read away, my friends.

I see you standing there
An I'm sitting here
Not so faraway from you
But dear, I tell you now
I don't know whether I should say hi
or just sit here in my seat
Talk dear. Talk to me
Cause I miss the sound of your voice
Not the words in your text

I keep stealing glances at my phone
Keep checking what time  it is
Where are you I miss you
I'm still waiting
But I'll get tired, you know
And I don't know how much longer I  can wait
But for you, I will
For I love you

Do you realise what I feel?
Hell, do you even want to know?
I'm dying to tell you
But I'm such a coward
I'm afraid. Too afraid
I'm afraid that my little words would break our thing
When I'm still holding on to that thing of ours tightly

Dear, I'm writing this
as I'm staring at the heavily pouring rain
Just like my tears are right now
The skies are crying
Just like my heart is right now
And I watch silently,
as the lightning strikes the ground
Just like your goodbye does to my heart

Ain't it funny? How you can love someone and hate them at the same time?

I found it absolutely funny. How you can hate someone and love them at the same time. How you hate someone so much but you can do nothing because you don't want them to get hurt.
It's like, it's like you want to push them off of a cliff then rush to the bottom to catch them. You just hate them so much because they're everything you think about.

You hate them because they turned you into the most selfish person alive, 'cause you want them to be yours, all yours, and yours only.You hate them because they turned you into some fool, lovesick puppy.

And you hate them, you hate them for making you fall hopelessly in love with them.

Reason Why

"You'll never know if you never try"

Yeah, you know how people always say that? "You'll never know unless you try"? Well I've never been in love, unlike other normal teenagers. I've never known what it feels like. And people told me to try.

But hell, I found it hard to trust anything, and it's harder to trust love. I've seen my friends falling in love, and getting hurt at the end. Crying their eyes out when it all ends. I just, I don't want to be like that. I don't want to spend my tears over some stupid relationship. I don't want to be happy only in the beginning, then in the end pain would be all I feel. And I don't know, it just gave me idea that love will just hurt me. That it's impossible to stay in love with one person, and then it'd all end with either I leave him or he leaves me.

It made me cringe. It gave me idea that love will never last so long. It'll just end in pain.

But I've seen many old couples too. Like my grandparents for example. Death, did them apart. But my grandma still loves him though, up until today. One day, when I was visiting a doctor, I saw an old couple. The husband sat on a wheelchair, wearing thick sweater and scarf, obviously cold. His wife only rubbed his hand and stared at him lovingly, giving him courage that everything would be just fine. That they would still have time together. And when he coughed, she rubbed his back and whispered something that made him smile.

It made me smile. It gave me hope that love can indeed last that long. It changed my mind.

For a while.

Sometimes I think that I've been protecting myself for far too long. I find myself sometimes wondering what it feels like to be in love. But then the scared part of me reminds me again why it's better this way. Why it's better to protect myself, to keep myself away from a pain that might greet me.

Call me a coward for being afraid of love. Call me chicken for being afraid of getting hurt. Call me anything you like.

I'll try to open up my heart when I'm ready. I'll try to love someone when I'm ready. When I'm ready to be happy then crushed at the end, and when I'm ready to feel a love that lasts forever.

Forgetting someone is easy. But dear, you're not just 'someone' to me

And hell, I just wanted to stare at the rain at first. Just wanted to hear its melody. But then my mind wandered and soon, I found myself thinking about you. My mind began replaying all memories we once shared, racking through the files in my brain, looking for your recorded laughter, and then played the melodic tune over and over again.

But then I snapped back to reality. Damn, why is it so hard to just bury everything about you? Why is it so hard to forget your sweet promises, to forget your shooting words? Why does it seem nearly impossible to forget you?

Some people say it's easy to forget someone. But dear, you're not just 'someone' to me. You never were, and you'll never be. You're something more. And that what makes it harder.

Teach me will you? Teach me how to forget someone who once was so important to you. Tell me how you erased me from your mind.

Pretending

I'm holding a fireball in my hand
Trying to bring it up to my lips
And swallow it away
But I'm a coward
So I just clutch it instead

I have a fireball in my hand
Trying to find a safe place
And hide it away
But I get tired
So I pocket it instead

It's getting hotter
....and hotter

I'm covering a ball of fire with my bare hands
Trying to find someone whom I can share it with
But I'm giving up
So I pretend I'm covering a cold ice instead

I Don't Know

I don't know
It was all blur
I didn't care where it was
I didn't care when it was
I didn't care about the surroundings
Hell
I didn't even care who I was

I don't know, darling
It was all blur, I can assure you
It was just your eyes I could see
Eyes where I used to get lost in
It was just your voice I could hear
Voice that used to lull me to sleep

I don't know, dear
It was all blur I'm telling you
And the only thing I can remember is
When a goodbye escaped your lips
Lips that used to kiss me goodnight